


You'll Think of Me

by captainamergirl



Category: Guiding Light
Genre: Drabble Series, F/F, F/M, Gen, Someone dies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-10-14 16:24:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17511956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainamergirl/pseuds/captainamergirl
Summary: How do you move on when the unthinkable happens?





	1. Bury

**Author's Note:**

> This picks up 3 years after the series finale.

**Bury**  
  
_How was he supposed to bury the love of his life? How was he supposed to let her go? How was he supposed to carry on without her?_  
  
The answer was that he simply couldn’t do any of those things. He would never, ever get over this. She had always been so much larger than life, so vivacious. Everything she had ever done, she had done with vigor and passion. He had somehow expected her to live on forever. He had wanted that because the alternative was just too bleak. But here was reality, smacking him repeatedly in the face, mocking him and his grief.  
  
Just a mere three years after their reunion at their lighthouse, she was gone forever. God knew he had somehow functioned without her before, but this time was different in every way because there would be no second chances, no last minutes reprieves... There was just nothing left to hold onto, nothing left to hope for …  
  
_The great Reva Shayne was dead and she had left behind a very broken man in one Joshua Lewis._


	2. Knock

**Knock**  
  
_“Knock, knock,”_ came Natalia’s soft voice from the other side of the door.  
  
Olivia called back, “Since when do you knock?”  
  
Natalia slipped into the room that they shared at the farmhouse and moved over to Olivia’s side. “Since you looked really upset this morning at breakfast and I thought maybe you needed some time alone … I just didn’t want to intrude.”  
  
“You’re not intruding,” Olivia said as she looked at the loaded suitcases sitting in the corner of the room. “We said we were going to take a vacation … But this isn’t exactly what I had in mind for all of us.”  
  
“Me either,” Natalia admitted. She reached out for Olivia’s hand then and intertwined their fingers. “I wish this hadn’t happened. I feel so bad for Josh. God knows if you …”  
  
Olivia nodded in agreement. “I know. I wouldn’t get over it either if it was you.” She rested her head against Natalia’s taut stomach. “Reva was one of the strongest women I have ever known. I never expected she would go out like this – that a fucking drunk driver could take her out.”  
  
Olivia didn’t know she was tearing up until she felt Natalia wiping away the damp residue from her cheeks. “She and I used to hate each other, but I always respected her in some odd way … And now she’s gone … Her son has lost _two_ parents now... It’s all completely … bullshit.”  
  
Natalia could only agree. She pulled Olivia into her arms and held her tightly. There were no other words to be said at a time like this, nothing that would make the pain go away.


	3. Sad

**Sad**  
  
“This is so fucking sad,” Daisy lamented.  
  
James walked out of the bathroom, adjusting his black tie. He found his girlfriend sitting on the sofa, watching a soap opera of all things. “You know what’s sad? That you’re watching stories instead of getting ready for the flight.”  
  
“But Betsy just learned that her husband was cheating on her with her best friend, Julie…”  
  
James sighed and walked over and flipped off the television. _“Hey!”_ Daisy barked.  
  
“Daze, now is not the time. You have to get ready for the flight. The jet is probably already idling on the tarmac and we’re not there yet.”  
  
Daisy stood up and for a moment, James thought she was heading to the closet to grab a dress, but instead she slumped onto the edge of the bed. “Well it’s going to have to leave without me.”  
  
“Come again?”  
  
“You heard me. I’m not going.”  
  
“What? Seriously?” James asked, wondering if he looked as flabbergasted as he felt at hearing her declaration.  
  
“Yeah, seriously.”  
  
“Reva’s your grandmother…”  
  
“I know that! But I really, really don’t want to think about her in a coffin. I don’t want to see her in one either. So I’m just not going.”  
  
“Daze, you have to come. You need to say goodbye to Reva.”  
  
Daisy’s eyes filled with tears. “What if I can’t – what if I don’t want to … say goodbye?” A tear slid down her cheek and James immediately moved over her, grabbing her up into his arms.  
  
“You can do this, but it’s okay if even you fall apart once in a while. If you need to vent, I’m here, babe. I’m not going anywhere.”  
  
“You can’t say that for sure. My dad... Gus … and now Reva… No one lives forever, James. You can’t promise you won’t go out early too.”  
  
“I’m going to be around for as long as you need me. I promise that much.” He squeezed her as tightly as he dared. "Come on, Daisy; please come to Tulsa with me. It won’t be the same without you.”  
  
“I don’t know if I can keep it together…”  
  
“You don’t have to. People expect you to be sad. They are too. But it’s times like these … Well; I think they need you as much as you need all of them. So come, okay? You’ll regret it if you don’t.”  
  
“I can do this,” Daisy said. “I can…” But she didn’t sound or look very convinced.


	4. Breathe

**Breathe**

Cassie Winslow couldn’t breathe. The stale cabin air felt like an actual entity; a malevolent life-force intent on snuffing out all reason and sanity. It wrapped about her, bound her chest, squeezed her lungs… _Squeezed, squeezed, squeezed._ It was painful. So damned painful.

 

Her eyes burned as she clawed at the collar of her black silk blouse with clumsy fingers. She pried the top two buttons loose, hoping in vain for some kind of relief from the cloying grief that had her in its grasp. She wasn’t stupid - she knew she was having another panic attack, another in a long string of them. She’d had one every few hours like clockwork, ever since her niece Marah called to give her the news.

 

_ “Mom is dead, Cassie… It was a drunk driver…” _

 

Reva was dead.

 

Tammy was dead.

 

Will was so far gone - somewhere she could never hope to reach him.

 

Richard was dead.

 

Hart was dead.

 

Her mother was dead before she'd ever gotten to know her...

 

The only person she had left in the entire world was her beloved RJ, but she felt that she was losing him too. He was a teenager now; he needed space; although it really wasn’t about that at all. He shied away from her because of how she was, how weak, how pathetic. She had failed him... The same way she’d failed her other children; failed Reva. She was a terrible person, a terrible mother, a terrible sister…

 

She’d taken Reva’s husband from her. She had loved Reva’s husband. A part of her still did.

 

_ Sick. _

 

_ Sick. _

 

_ So sick. _

 

She swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the block of emotion that clogged up her throat. It wouldn’t go away and she knew she had but one recourse. Her blood hummed with want of a release.

 

RJ tap-tap-tapped away at his video game beside her. She looked around the empty first class cabin and once sure she wasn't noticed, she snitched her fingers into the side pocket of her carry-on bag.  _ She’d known. _ Somehow she’d known she would need these and had kept them close for this very reason.

 

She pulled out three little white capsules.

 

She glanced over at RJ once more to be sure he was still ignoring her. He was. She popped the pills into her impossibly dry mouth. She swallowed them without the benefit of juice, or gin, or even water. She waited for blessed relief to come, to wash over her like a wave. She needed an escape so badly.

 

_Please let me forget,_ she thought as she clutched at the armrests, digging her acrylic nails into the thick cushioning of the chair. _Let me forget how much I’ve lost… Let me forget how much I’ve thrown away..._


	5. The New Normal

**The New Normal**

 

Shayne watched his older sister scurrying about the big, sunlit kitchen. She moved from stove, to counter, to table, and back again. Her dark blonde hair was tousled and she still wore her pajamas. She looked as exhausted as Shayne felt. How did she manage to keep up this pretense that everything was okay, when it absolutely was _not?_

 

She flopped a thick, buttery pancake onto Colin’s plate. The four-year-old just stared at it. “Aren’t you hungry?” Marah asked.

 

“He’s used to having his pancakes cut into small, bite-size pieces,” Marina offered her an explanation.

 

“Oh, of course,” Marah said. “I should have known that.” She picked up a fork and a knife and began to slice the flapjack to virtual ribbons. “There you go,” she said. She presented the plate to her youngest brother. “Just like Mama used to do it, huh?”

 

Colin looked confused for a moment - confused and very sad. Marah handed him the fork. His hand shook a bit as he speared a piece of pancake and brought it to his pink lips.

 

“Do you like it, little bug?” Marah asked. Colin just shrugged.

 

Shayne’s eyes went wide in shock and anger. “Marah,” Shayne said in an icy voice. “That was Mom’s nickname for him. Don’t confuse him.”

 

Marah looked at Shayne with surprise of her own. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just trying to make him feel better about what’s happening today.”

 

Shayne was annoyed. No, he was outright pissed. He wasn’t sure why, but his sister had become the target of all of his pent-up anger. He wanted to hurt her the way that he was hurting. “Don’t be stupid, Marah. Do you honestly think that’s even possible? His mother is gone and she’s never coming back!”

 

“Shayne,” Marina hissed at his elbow. “Cool it.”

 

Colin was near tears and Marah looked shell-shocked. “Well, it’s true,” Shayne snapped. “And for the record - just because you put on Mom’s apron and call everyone by her favorite pet names doesn’t mean you’re her.”

 

“I am not trying to be her, Shayne!”

 

“Could have fooled me.”

 

Colin dropped his fork onto his plate. A splash of maple syrup coated the soft flannel of his shirt. A tear rolled down his cheek. Marah ran her fingers through his soft, golden curls. “It’s okay, Colin. It’s alright. Shayne’s just a little upset right now.”

 

“Yes, I am,” Shayne said. “But I don’t expect you to understand that.”

 

“Shayne, come on,” Dylan spoke up. “Calm down.”

 

Shayne held up a hand to stop him. “You know what, Dylan? Just shut up, okay? You don’t get to tell me what to do - not when you’ve barely been around in the last decade. Stay out of this.”

 

Silence settled around the table. Shayne shot up from his seat and stalked towards the door. He heard a chair scraping across the linoleum and glanced back to see Marina giving chase. He shook his head. “Don’t. Just leave me be.”

 

Marina sighed and sunk back into her chair. Shayne stomped out of the kitchen and headed for the front door. He shoved open the screen door and burst out of it. As he leaned against the porch railing, he sucked in greedy mouthfuls of the fresh Tulsa air. His lungs burned.

 

“Why, Mom?” He murmured. “Why did you have to leave us? Why? We all needed you so much.”

 

Shayne heard the screen door open behind him. He rolled his eyes as Marah moved over to him.

 

“What do you want, Marah?”

 

“Shayne, you were out of line in there. And in front of our little brother and your son too. I know you’re hurting, but -”

 

“You don’t know. Seems like I’m the only one of us here who’s really upset. You just want to keep pretending nothing happened.”

 

“I am trying to maintain some normalcy around here.”

 

“Wake up, Marah. This is the  _ new  _ normal. The pain, the frustration; Dad hibernating in his room; Colin crying himself to sleep every night…”

 

“Shayne…”

 

“Get used to it. Nothing is okay, Marah. Nothing makes sense. Everything is gone.”

 

“Mom wouldn’t want you talking like this.”

 

“Well, she’s not here… And it’s - it’s all my fault.”

 

“Don’t you dare say that.”

 

“She was out on that dark road because of me. She’d still be here if I hadn’t called her to come pick me up. This is all on me.”

 

The guilt was eating him alive. He couldn’t breathe.

 

“She had a four-year-old at home; a husband nursing the flu… She should have been with them,” Shayne went on. “Instead, she came out to check on me and now she’s gone. She’s gone because I needed her.”

 

“Mom _wanted_ to be needed, Shayne. You know she did.”

 

“I bet she wanted to live. In fact, I know she did. No one loved life more than Reva Shayne Lewis.”

 

“But you’re not to blame. The guy who plowed into her - this is all on him, okay? You can’t keep beating yourself up over something that’s not even your fault to begin with.” She covered his arm with her hand. “Please listen to your big sister.”

 

He shook free of her grasp. “I can’t be here right now.” He stepped off the porch, taking off at a brisk pace.

 

Marah called after him, “Shayne! Shayne, where are you going?”

 

He didn’t answer her. He didn’t know. He just had to be anywhere but here on his parents’ land, surrounded by a million haunting memories.


End file.
